Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Self Defeating Behavior 101

At the age of 46, I find myself enmeshed in the sophomoric actions of the middle aged. I'd like to let go. To untangle myself from their net. And I could if I just would. All it would take is a simple act, one of disengagement, one of giving no care, one of walking away. But like the frog who neglects to hop out of a pot as the heat is applied and simply allows itself to become boiled - I stay. I stay to watch, I stay, thinking things might change, that my intuitions are wrong, that these people really can't be as bad as all that...

And then all too late, I realize the water is boiling, and I'm the frog.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Fear Biter

There is something about her that makes me want to reach out to her and tell her she has no reason to be afraid. That her worries about what others are thinking or doing are just her fears talking. But wishing for her to find a place without fear, is as delusional as thinking there is kindness behind those teeth.

She is a fear biter. Sometimes when I talk to her, she allows me to speak unmolested. Other times she snaps and bites. She bit me once rather badly. Out of fear, she determined that I was a threat to her. I'm not. But that was her view and she publicly stated, barked repeatedly, to anyone who would listen, that I was a bad person and had done her harm. Maybe she believes it's true, but I think it's a device, this righteous indignation and the false accusations. She needs to be top dog, the Alpha, and this was a way to eliminate the perceived threat to that position.

She bit me hard and deep on that occasion. She tore flesh. After that incident, I knew that she was not to be trusted; that she would bite without cause. I learned that she is viscious. I should have read the cues. I should have noticed the big teeth that are so visibly sharp and frequently bared. Instead, I noticed the clothing, but not that it was Sheep's. That was my mistake all along, that I didn't recognize her for what she is.

Time passed, she didn't bark or run at me from the other side of the fence, and I thought perhaps she was through with me. She had done enough damage and could just let me be. I should have been paying attention, but instead I started to feel empathy for her. I saw that she was being taunted and I felt badly for her. I offered her my sympathy because I felt she was being unjustly abused. I reached my hand over the fence to reassure her that she should have no worries, no fears. First she gave me a few tentative wags of the tail, a smile of sorts and an acknowledgement of my presence, an acceptance of my offer of solace. Then as I turned to leave her in her peace, she bit me. She bit me without cause. And like the last time, she bit me hard, and without warning. Maybe I just didn't recognize her for what she is... A fear biter, and like a fool, I put my hand over the fence.